By Coach Court – Certified Life & Relationship Coach
Before We Begin – A Disclaimer
This isn’t meant to give you false hope or convince you to stay in a relationship that harms your mental health.
If you’re feeling neglected or unsafe, I encourage you to evaluate whether the dynamic is truly right for you.
🎥 Watch the Full Video Here:
In this video, I break down five subtle tests a dismissive avoidant may run in a relationship—what they mean, and how to respond without losing yourself
Test #1: Creating Emotional Distance
Avoidants may pull away after periods of closeness—what I call “emotional hangovers.”
They do this to see whether you’ll chase or respect their space.
Example:
A client’s partner said, “You won’t be able to have your way with me.” Translation: “You won’t be able to win me over completely.” This usually comes from past experiences of giving too much and being hurt.
How to Respond:
-
Give space without over-pursuing.
-
Maintain your own boundaries.
-
Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where you must constantly prove your worth.
Test #2: Testing Your Dependability
They may hint at a need or ask for help indirectly, gauging whether you’re reliable.
Example:
An avoidant partner with children might take time before depending on you. If they start withdrawing emotionally, they may also stop relying on you logistically.
How to Respond:
-
Show support without overextending.
-
Be consistent and authentic—avoidants sense inauthentic effort.
Test #3: Triggering Jealousy or Insecurity
Some avoidants may reference exes, keep certain aspects of life private, or emphasize independence to see how you’ll react.
Example:
One client’s avoidant partner avoided questions about her day. He even hired a private investigator to see if she was cheating—she wasn’t, but her guardedness came from past trauma.
How to Respond:
-
Stay composed and avoid reacting with suspicion.
-
Affirm your values of honesty and trust.
-
Create space for safe, open communication.
Test #4: Delaying Intimacy and Commitment
Avoidants may move slowly toward deeper emotional connection or long-term commitment, testing your patience.
How to Respond:
-
Avoid rushing, but don’t wait forever.
-
Communicate your expectations clearly.
-
Set personal benchmarks for the relationship.
Test #5: Pushing Boundaries Subtly
They may cancel plans, show up late, or push limits to see how much you’ll tolerate.
How to Respond:
-
Use kind but firm boundaries.
-
Example: “I appreciate you coming, and I know social settings aren’t always easy. But next time, please let me know if you’re running late.”
Final Thoughts
Avoidants may not be consciously “testing” you, but these patterns can shape the relationship dynamic.
By recognizing the tests and responding from a place of calm boundaries—not fear—you create space for either a healthier connection or a clear decision to walk away.
Book a coaching session: Schedule with Coach Court
Follow on Instagram: Iamcoachcourt
Watch on YouTube: Coach Court
Q: Why do dismissive avoidants test their partners?
A: These tests often come from a fear of losing autonomy or being hurt. Avoidants may create distance, delay intimacy, or push boundaries to see how a partner will respond.
Q: How should I respond if an avoidant pulls away emotionally?
A: Give them space without chasing, but maintain your boundaries. Show that you respect their independence while protecting your own emotional well-being.
Q: What’s the healthiest way to handle avoidant “tests”?
A: Stay calm, consistent, and authentic. Avoid over-functioning or reacting out of fear. Communicate your values and set clear boundaries.
Q: How can I tell if these behaviors are tests or just unhealthy patterns?
A: If the actions are repeated and seem designed to provoke a reaction, they may be tests. But if they consistently harm your mental health, they may be ingrained unhealthy behaviors rather than temporary tests.
Q: Should I stay in a relationship with someone who constantly tests me?
A: That depends on whether they’re willing to work on the pattern and respect your needs. If you feel unsafe, neglected, or drained, it may be healthier to step away.