By Coach Court – Certified Life & Relationship Coach
Watch the full video version here:
In this video, I break down the emotional stages avoidants go through when they realize they’ve lost you, and why it often takes months for the regret to surface.
Important Disclaimer
This article isn’t meant to diagnose anyone—or to give you false hope about an unhealthy relationship.
My goal is to help you understand avoidant attachment behavior so you can make informed decisions about your well-being.
If you’re in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs, please prioritize your mental and emotional health over trying to “fix” someone who isn’t ready to change.
Do Avoidants Even Care When You Leave?
Many people assume avoidants simply move on without a second thought. While it’s true that some avoidants appear detached, after years of coaching hundreds of clients, I’ve seen a different reality:
Avoidants often take a long time to register the loss.
They may not feel it right away because they go into self-isolation mode—something that often starts before the relationship ends.
The Delayed Realization
For many avoidants, the awareness that they’ve lost you happens months later.
Here’s what often triggers it:
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They notice you’ve stopped responding to their texts.
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The friendship or companionship they expected to maintain is gone.
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They feel the absence of the role you played in their life—especially if they have few close friends.
Even avoidants who struggle with vulnerability often value companionship deeply, and your absence creates a void they can’t easily replace.
Why They Pull Away Before They Feel the Loss
Avoidants may start out giving freely in a relationship because they enjoy the connection. Over time, however, the relationship can begin to feel like obligation instead of choice.
That shift often triggers deactivation behaviors:
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Reduced texting or communication
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Avoiding deep conversations
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Spending more time alone or with others
To them, it feels like self-preservation. To you, it feels like abandonment.
The Emotional Conflict
When Avoidants finally realize they’ve lost you, they may:
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Miss your companionship but refuse to admit it.
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Feel regret but avoid expressing it openly.
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Remember the safety and value you brought into their life.
Some have even told me in private coaching sessions:
“I made a huge mistake, but I never learned how to show up in a relationship without feeling like I’d lose myself.”
The Role of Childhood Trauma
Many avoidants have high Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) scores.
Past experiences of neglect, abandonment, or betrayal taught them that vulnerability is dangerous.
So even when they regret losing you, fear of getting hurt again can stop them from reaching out or trying to rebuild.
Your Takeaway
It’s not your job to save or rehabilitate someone who isn’t ready to face their patterns.
While Avoidants may feel the loss—sometimes deeply—they often won’t communicate it or change without significant personal work.
Protect your peace.
Maintain your boundaries.
And remember: you can care about someone without sacrificing yourself to keep them.
If You’re Struggling to Let Go
I help clients navigate the emotional fallout of avoidant relationships; whether they want clarity, closure, or a roadmap to healing.
Book a coaching session: Schedule with Coach Court
Follow on Instagram: @iamcoachcourt
Watch on YouTube: Coach Court
When you go be love, you’ll never have to find it. — Coach Court
Q: Do avoidants regret losing someone?
A: Many do, but the realization often comes months later—and they may never express it due to fear of vulnerability.
Q: Why does it take avoidants so long to realize they’ve lost you?
A: They tend to self-isolate and emotionally detach during the relationship, delaying the full emotional impact until much later.
Q: Should I wait for an avoidant to come back?
A: No. Focus on your own healing and well-being. If they return, it should only be considered if they’ve done real personal work.