No matter the relationship dynamic, any relationship makes it very hard to walk away. Especially when you've built up an emotional connection with that person and you’ve had a lot of different things in line with each other. Whether it's an anxious with an anxious or an avoidant with an avoidant, it's always tough to know when to walk away from the relationship, and when you've had enough. When you feel like there are certain things that are happening in this relationship that are causing you to lose yourself in a relationship with someone who's on the avoidant side, is no different than any other relationship. Now I know it's hard for you to walk away because you know some of the things about them that they've never told anyone else, but at some point, you have to ask yourself ‘when is the time for me to walk away?’ This is something that they call ‘the fade and effect bias’. When you get to a certain stage in your relationship and there's no going back. It's like you've put all these different coins into the slot machine, you really want to hit that payday, but at what point do you say I'm never going to get the amount that I put into this relationship from this person. So in today's video, I'm going to give you just five signs that it's time to let go of your dismissive avoidant.
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In today's video, we're going to talk about when it is time to let go of someone who's a dismissive avoidant. Disclaimer here, I'm not saying that you have to do this, I'm not saying that you have to follow this advice, I'm just giving you what I would do. If I was someone that was in a dynamic with an avoidant again, what would I do? What are the five things that I look for in that relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable that makes me feel like this person just isn't investing in me as much as I am in them.
The first one is when you figure out the dance. For me, that's usually around the third breakup is when you start to feel like ‘this thing needs to be over’. The first breakup: ‘alright, maybe it's just a fluke, we're just getting to know each other’. The second breakup: ‘alright, maybe I can do something differently to show up’. The third breakup: that's letting you know that this is a pattern. This is something that they consistently do in relationships. Many of the times that I'm working with someone, I see that there's usually a time where they knew that they should have walked away, but they chose not to. I see it as like, you make this big meal, you do all the food prepping, you bake, you cook, and then you open up the garbage can when that thing's done and you just toss it in the garbage. That's what people feel like when they're walking away from a relationship. They feel like, ‘I'm just tossing away all of this hard work that I've done’, but let me tell you that's not the case. You're doing yourself a favor, you're saving yourself from more heartache. So when you start to see this pattern, become a dance, more like a cycle, it's time to walk away.
Number two is when you start to feel neglected in that relationship. What does neglect mean in a relationship? For me, what neglect means is, you know exactly what it is that I desire in this relationship and for whatever reason you're just choosing not to do that. Now, we have had this conversation multiple times and you've always promised me that you're going to change. You're going to start to do XYZ, whatever it is that I need to be feeling important or fulfilled in this relationship, and you're just not doing it, you go back to these old habits. This happens a lot when people have these breakups. They'll go through a honeymoon phase when they get back together, they'll start to decline a little bit, and then next thing you know they're back into their old habits again. So if you start to see that you're feeling extremely neglected by this person, this may be your sign that it's time to let go.
Number three is when they're unwilling to talk about issues. This is where they put the dismissive in dismissive avoidant. When you bring something up and they're consistently telling you ‘hey, not right now, this isn't a good time’ or ‘hey my so and so just passed away, I'm not really feeling a conversation right now’ or ‘I just had a terrible day at work so I can't talk about that right now’. At some point it's like you have to corner them to get them to have a conversation, and even then, you come away feeling like we haven't resolved anything. Like this thing that we just talked about, I don't feel safe, I don't feel like you're going to make any concrete changes and I'm feeling like I'm the only one that's really contributing to this conversation. So if they're unwilling to talk about these issues, and usually you see a pattern, if you know that in the past, their parents were like this. They never felt heard, seen or understood even in their home life, then you know that this is a pattern and this is something that's going to continue to arise in this relationship, if they don't go out and find the different help that they need, and learn the tools and the skills that they need to bring to this relationship to make it as fulfilling for you, as it is for them.
Number four, they stop allowing your help or they stop asking for your help. This one is a big one for me. This one is a tell all sign that an avoidant is most likely checking out, because for them, vulnerability means that they allow for someone to do something for them. I'm not saying that you have to be their maid, it's just that they're so used to doing things on their own. It's a vulnerable thing for them to allow help or to allow advice to be given to them, because their whole way of operating, their biggest core wound is the fear of losing their autonomy. So you’ll start to see this person deactivating, this person starts to pull back and you start to lose your rank or your importance in their life.
Number five, your mental health is starting to get affected. What that means for me is, you're going through anxiety or you're going through depression. I know a guy that was just moved in with someone. He didn't know at the time that she was more of an avoidant. He said that when he was around her, he felt like this weird energy. He kind of felt like this feeling of like passive aggressiveness, is what he called it, but when he sat with her in a room and she's like scrolling on her cell phone, he felt like she was a million miles away. For him he felt like it was always something that he was doing wrong. Like, was he not important, was he not someone that was entertaining enough. Which you shouldn't even have to entertain anyone, I mean people should be able to entertain themselves, but he felt like they were losing that connection. I'm like, hey guess what, you moved in with an avoidant, and you didn't have clear boundaries and a clear understanding on how you guys were going to cohabitate, so you should have watched a little bit more of Coach Court videos. He started to lose weight, he got really skinny, he fell into a depression and he only got better when he moved out. They continue to date, but he only got better mentally, physically, gained weight back, got more of his confidence back, when he moved out of the house.
When you start to see these five things happen in a relationship, I think more about John Gottman's, “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, when he said if these four things happen in a relationship your relationship will end with a 99% accuracy; which are defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt. If those start to happen on a consistent basis, your relationship will end, and I say that these five things embody exactly what John Gottman talked about.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt] or you can find me right here on YouTube as [coachcourt]. Always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.