Avoidants often test their partners in very subtle ways—even if they don't realize they're doing it. These behaviors usually stem from their fear of getting too close or being hurt in relationships. Actually, I think this may be a good quality for anyone to have in a relationship, because we often put more time and effort into the type of car we buy or the house we invest in than into the person we're choosing to spend our lives with. But that's a conversation for another day.
Understanding these patterns can help you navigate the dynamic and respond in a way that strengthens the connection without compromising your own boundaries. After doing this for so long, I'm going to give you five tests I’ve seen avoidants run. But before I get into the content, I want to offer a quick disclaimer:
This content isn't intended to give anyone false hope or convince you to stay in a relationship that’s affecting your mental health. If you're feeling neglected or unsafe, I highly encourage you to evaluate whether the dynamic is truly right for you.
Hey, what's going on, my beautiful people? This is Certified Life and Relationship Coach, Coach Court. In today's video, we're talking about five tests a dismissive avoidant may run in a relationship—whether consciously or not—as a way to protect their autonomy.
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Test #1: Creating Emotional Distance
Avoidants may pull away or become emotionally unavailable, especially after periods of closeness. I call these "emotional hangovers"—when they need to reset their autonomy and equilibrium.
This distance is often a way to test whether you’ll chase them or respect their space.
Example: One client shared that her avoidant partner told her, "You won’t be able to have your way with me." What he really meant was, "You won’t be able to win me over completely." This likely stemmed from a past experience where he gave too much of himself and was let down.
How to handle it: Instead of panicking or pushing for reassurance, calmly give space while maintaining your own boundaries. Show them you value their independence—but won’t tolerate constant withdrawal. That kind of grounded presence may build trust over time. But also ask yourself: do you want to be in a relationship where you're constantly proving your worth?
Test #2: Testing Your Dependability
Avoidants may indirectly test how reliable you are by hinting at a need or subtly asking for help—without fully opening up.
Example: If they have kids, it may take a while before they rely on you for support. But if they start pulling away emotionally, they may also stop depending on you logistically.
How to handle it: Be supportive—but don’t overextend. Demonstrate reliability without losing sight of your own needs. Over-functioning (trying too hard to please) will backfire. Avoidants can sense when you're being inauthentic.
Test #3: Triggering Jealousy or Insecurity
This can be intentional or unintentional. Some avoidants may mention exes, potential romantic interests, or emphasize their independence to see how you’ll react.
Example: One client dated a woman who was avoidant, secretive, and would brush off any questions about her day or who she was with. He even hired a private investigator to confirm she wasn’t cheating—she wasn’t, but she was deeply guarded due to past trauma.
How to handle it: Stay composed. Don’t react with jealousy or suspicion. Affirm your values (like honesty and trust), and hold space for open communication. Your calm demeanor can help create emotional safety.
Test #4: Delaying Intimacy and Commitment
Avoidants often move slowly when it comes to deepening emotional connection or committing to long-term plans. This tests your patience.
How to handle it: Don’t rush them, but don’t wait forever either. Focus on building trust naturally, and communicate your expectations clearly. Set your own benchmarks—remember, this is a two-person relationship.
Test #5: Pushing Boundaries Subtly
Avoidants may test how much you’ll tolerate by canceling plans, showing up late, or pushing limits. This often stems from their fear of being fully accepted.
How to handle it: Set clear boundaries kindly but firmly. For example, if they’re late, say: “I appreciate you coming, and I know social settings aren’t always easy for you. But next time, please let me know if you’re running behind.”
This prevents a dynamic where they can test you without consequences.
If you found this helpful, please like, comment, and share. You can find me on:
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And always remember: When you go be love, you’ll never have to find it.
Namaste.