Do THIS Before Getting Back With A Dismissive Avoidant

(Coach Court starts out by re-enacting a conversation) 

[Guest] “Court thanks for taking my call. In your videos, you say six to eight weeks before reaching out to an avoidant person.”

[Coach Court] “No problem. Yeah, it's about six to eight weeks before their feelings start to bubble back up again.”

[Guest] “So what do I do now, it's been two weeks?”

[Coach Court] “Well unfortunately, two weeks isn't long enough. You have to give it time for them to start reimagining the relationship again.”

[Guest] “Are you even a ‘get your ex back’ coach at all?”

[Coach Court] “No I'm not a ‘get your ex back’ coach.”

[Guest] “What?! This is just a scam. This whole relationship coaching thing is a scam. I can't believe I spent my money for this.”

[Coach Court] “Well here's the thing even, if I was a ‘get your ex back’ coach, what is it that you've done to heal yourself during this breakup? I mean you obviously broke up for a reason.”

[Guest] “I don't need to do anything ,this person is the problem.”

[Coach Court] “I think we all can use some improvement in relationships, I don't care how secure you are, don't you agree?”

[Guest] “Well I don't know, I kind of had a bad upbringing too, but you know whatever, we all do.”

[Coach Court] “Well according to the adverse childhood experience test, we've all experienced at least two to three dramas throughout our childhood, and that means you too. That means that you may have some work to do too.”

[Guest] “Well, since you put it that way, I guess that makes a lot of sense.”

[Coach Court] “Yep.”

[Guest] “So what do I need to do?”

[Coach Court] “You have a pen and paper ready?”

[Guest] “Fine, I think this is a waste of time, but okay, I'll do it.”

Well, in today's video I'm going to give you five things you need to do, before reconciling with a dismissive avoidant. Thank you for sticking around. If this is your first time viewing me, do me a favor and subscribe to the channel by clicking that subscribe button and ringing that bell so you're notified for all the newest coaching content. Before I get into the content, if you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at

In today's video, I'm going to give you five things to do before you reconcile with the dismissive avoidant. These five things don't mean that you're necessarily going to get this person back, but this is the best practice in moving forward, if you're trying to reconcile. 

Number one is to give them the breakup. What that means is you have to mentally get yourself to the point where you have accepted that they don't want to be in a relationship anymore. This means that you have to back away and let them feel safe again. Let them feel like if I want to get back with this person it's because of me, it's not because I'm feeling some type of pressure. It's not because I'm feeling guilt, which is never a reason for a person to come back. Now I know people do that, on a lot of occasions, people try to send the guilty text. They send the pictures from last year, last Thanksgiving, and last Christmas. They send the plans that they had in store like, tickets to whatever, and that's not going to work. The guilt-tripping thing never works out in your favor, because it just makes them feel like they have to soothe you, and you don't want to be throwing a pity party because it's not going to work. So the very first thing you want to do is give them the breakup mentally, alright. Even though you may not want to stop talking to them because it may go against your natural instinct to fight, and to do more, and to show up better, and to do the things that you know they complained about in the past, but you don't want to do that. We're going to do the hardest thing in the world which is to step back and give it to them mentally.

Number two. You want to take the time to acknowledge your issues, as well as theirs, in a relationship. This is why I like journaling. This is why I like having people take the time to step back and really center themselves again. When you go through breakups, you panic. You try to figure out ‘what do I need to do’, ‘what do I need to say’, ‘how do I need to operate in order to get my ex back’. That's one of the biggest concerns that I have with people when they reach out. They reach out to me with the intention of trying to get their ex back. I'm not a ‘get your ex back’ coach, as you've seen earlier in the video, I'm not a ‘get your ex back’ coach. I help get YOU back. If you happen to get your ex back in the process, which I feel like that's the only way that can work in a healthy manner, then that's a bonus right. You have to get yourself back first. Chances are, that's what attracted them to you in the first place. The confidence, the individuality, the person who felt so confident about themselves. At some point, that's probably what happened toward the end. You became a little bit extra clingy, a little bit extra needy, or you may have been more dismissive, and pushed away their needs and became complacent.

The third thing that you need to do is apply the self-discovery rule. Now if you've been following me for long enough, you know the self-discovery rule, which is basically what other coaches call the “no contact rule” or what a lot of coaches call the “no contact rule”. The self-discovery rule and the no contact rule I feel is for you to heal yourself, and to get yourself to the point mentally, where you don't need a person in your life to be happy. This is where the journaling comes in. This is where meditation comes in. This is where studying attachment styles, studying your parents history, studying your family's history and taking that self-reflection time to understand what makes you tick, why are you this way, what made you so anxious because of this relationship ending. This is the time where you really dig deep in understanding who you are. This is the great reset. There's one thing about the shutdown in 2020 that should have motivated you to say, ‘hey what is it about my life that I can change’, ‘what is it about the way that I'm showing up in my relationships, my career, in my own personal life, in my diet and my financial situation’, ‘what is it that I can do to improve in all areas’. That's the self-discovery rule and it so happened to be the “no contact rule” where you're not spending so much energy trying to reach out and build some type of rapport with this person.

The fourth thing that I recommend, you don't necessarily have to do it, I mean let's just be honest, there's a lot of people who can't afford this option, is to get a counselor, a therapist or even a coach. Reach out to one of those people to give you a different lens, to help you see things differently, because what seems to happen is, when you're in these situations, where you don't know what to do, you're hyper vigilant. You're trying to exhaust all your natural resources like your friends, your family, you're going on the threads, you’re on Reddit, you're on YouTube, you're on Instagram. You're doing all these different things to try to find the fix, the thing that's going to make all this pain go away, and if you feel like you're having some issues with wanting to be here on this Earth, I really suggest this option, I feel like there's no other way after this. If you fall and sprain an ankle, you'll want to go to the doctor to get that taken care of right, it's no different with the human mind. The brain is a muscle, the brain can get sick, the brain can get sprained. Go get the help that you need in order to not only give you a better opportunity to get back with this person, but to also have a healthy functioning mind moving forward in life.

Number five is, reconnect without any expectations. Now this is something that is going to be different for a lot of different people, because we don't know when we're there yet. When you can get yourself to the point mentally where you reach out to them and you have zero expectations, and you're not really fearful of the rejection that you may get, which honestly, it can take a person three months to get there, it could take a person three years, and I've seen it. There's a big, big difference between just how attached you were to that person. Now if this is someone that you felt like you can't live without, it's going to take you a lot longer than someone that's like, well it looks like the relationship just didn't pan out, we had some differences. The latter is going to be the person that can maybe give it like a three month window and think all right, let's just see where they're at, and see if they're actually willing to give this thing another go, but it's different for everyone.

Those are your five things that you want to do before reconciling with a dismissive avoidant person. 

So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share and reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Twitter, Instagram and Facebook is [iamcoachcourt], and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it, namaste.