By Coach Court – Certified Life & Relationship Coach
The Airport Memory That Started It All
I was three years old, standing in an airport, clutching my pillow pet. My dad was boarding a plane. I watched it back away from the terminal—and I started crying.
Years later, I had a dream about that moment. Over and over. I finally asked my mom, “Is this how it actually happened?” She said, “I don’t know how you remember that, son, but that’s exactly what happened.”
That was the day my anxious attachment style and abandonment wounds began.
Watch the Full Story Here:
In this video, I share my personal journey from anxious and fearful avoidant attachment to becoming secure, and the steps I took to heal.
Dating Early and Seeking Validation
I started dating young—not for love, but for validation.
Growing up in St. Louis with a single mom, I believed my dad left because of me. That belief stayed with me for years.
The environment I grew up in glamorized romance—R&B music, movies, and the relationships I saw around me. Being raised primarily by women, I promised myself I’d never hurt a woman.
But in trying to be the “good guy,” I lost my voice. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs. I became a people-pleaser—and that’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
The Shift Toward Fearful Avoidant Attachment
When my high school sweetheart broke my heart, something changed.
I was still anxious, but I began pulling away first. I stopped trusting connection. I cared deeply, but became defensive, reactive, and guarded.
I grew up in a loving home, but not always in a safe community. I was bullied, didn’t fit in, and only felt accepted when I played sports. That shaped the fearful avoidant side of my attachment.
Love Never Felt Safe—Even Inside Relationships
I didn’t end relationships, even when they weren’t working.
I stayed in familiar but unhealthy dynamics. I was drawn to partners who didn’t fully show up—because that’s what love had always looked like to me.
My anxious side kept hoping.
My avoidant side kept protecting.
Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy hit me hard:
Nice guys often operate out of manipulation, not pure kindness—they’re hoping to get love in return.
That was me.
That was anxious attachment.
The Turning Point: Healing at 35
After another painful breakup, I stopped blaming my partners and started asking:
What am I doing wrong here?
I revisited my old psychology notes, studied attachment theory, got certified in attachment-based coaching, and hired my own coach.
Here’s what I did to become more secure:
1. I Educated Myself
I didn’t just skim Instagram posts—I studied attachment theory deeply, applied it, and lived it.
2. I Journaled Instead of Reacting
Before sending emotional texts, I wrote my feelings down. Most of the time, I realized my anxiety—not reality—was fueling my thoughts.
3. I Meditated and Sat With My Feelings
Stillness became medicine. Sitting in silence, I learned to watch my thoughts without reacting to them.
4. I Modeled Secure Relationships
I learned from secure people—friends, mentors, and even online role models—what consistent, safe love looks like.
Final Thoughts
No matter who ends it, it still hurts.
But healing from insecure attachment starts when you stop performing for love and start choosing peace—even if it feels unfamiliar.
You’re not broken.
You just never felt safe enough to be yourself.
But that can change.
And I’m living proof.
Book a coaching session: Schedule with Coach Court
Follow on Instagram: Iamcoachcourt
Watch on YouTube: Coach Court
Q&A – Healing Anxious & Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Q: What causes anxious attachment?
A: Anxious attachment often develops in childhood when a caregiver is inconsistent in meeting emotional needs, creating a fear of abandonment. In my case, my father leaving for the military when I was three created the belief that I wasn’t enough to keep someone close.
Q: Can you have both anxious and avoidant tendencies?
A: Yes. This is called fearful avoidant attachment. It’s a mix of craving closeness (anxious) and protecting yourself by pulling away (avoidant). I developed this after early heartbreak layered on top of my abandonment wounds.
Q: How do you start healing insecure attachment?
A: Healing begins with awareness. I studied attachment theory, journaled instead of reacting, practiced meditation to regulate my emotions, and modeled my relationships after secure, consistent people.
Q: How long does it take to become securely attached?
A: It varies. For me, it was years of learning, practicing, and intentionally choosing healthier patterns. You can see progress within months if you commit to self-work and consistent practice.
Q: What’s the most important step to becoming secure?
A: Stop performing for love. When you start choosing peace—even when it feels unfamiliar—you retrain your nervous system to trust that love can be safe without you sacrificing yourself.