3 Reasons Why Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex May Want to Stay Friends


In today's blog we're going to talk about reasons why an avoidant may still want to be friends with you after the breakup. I made a list of three reasons.

The first reason why the avoidant may still want to be friends with you, based on the patterns that I've seen, is they still want that validation from you. You may have been someone that was speaking their love languages. They were able to be vulnerable with you and they understand that you guys may have had a connection. They're looking for validation. They're looking for someone to make them feel like they are valuable and they're just trying to get their needs met.

You have to understand as human beings in general, we all want our needs to be met. How that comes about is different for everyone. You may see them reaching out to exes or keeping communication with people that they've dated before. These are just patterns that I've seen, but this may not be everyone.

They may still want to be in contact with you because they know that you're going to be able to make them feel something. You're going to make them feel alive or make them feel like they're important. I have to be honest with my clients when they reach out. They say, “I don't know why he's texting me. What is it that he wants from me? This is narcissistic behavior for him to be doing this.”

To be honest, he may just want validation, especially if they text you and you respond and they never respond back to you, then that's probably the case where they're just looking for some type of connection with you. They may not be serious about having another relationship, or even rekindling their relationship with you, so you have to be mindful about that. If it is just for them seeking validation and you're in a process where you're still trying to heal from the breakup, I wouldn't respond.

Let's say that they're in another relationship and they're still contacting you and you can't handle it. Then you know that they're trying to get some type of validation and they're trying to get needs met with you. They may be in a relationship and they're getting their needs met, but they reach back out to you to get a whole different set of needs met. So that could be the reason why they may reach back out to you.

The second reason is because they value the connection that you had. If you guys were in a relationship for a long time, like a couple years, it's going to be hard for them to just disconnect from you and never speak to you again. If this is the case, where they just value the connection that you had, and you guys had a pretty strong bond, then it'll be hard for you to sever the ties. 

It's not every day that someone comes along that feels like your best friend. You may have that connection maybe once or twice a decade, but when you feel it it's definitely something that's really hard to let go of. They may still want to stay friends because they're connected to your family and your friends and they may still have a bunch of mutual friends.

The third reason is they may want to revisit the romance. If this is a case and you know things are warming back up and they start sharing pleasant memories or inquiring about your life, then I would say that you need to see where they stand in order not to waste anyone's time. It depends on different nuances in the end of the relationship. Was it toxic? Did it abruptly end or was it something that just slowly fizzled out?

If it was something that slowly fizzled out then you may be wasting your time because as a pattern that I've seen they typically don't want to revisit that relationship after. If it was something where there was a disagreement and the relationship ended abruptly, that's their way of trying to put you back in their orbit and try to figure out if they still have romantic feelings for you. You want to make sure that you are receptive, but you're not overly eager and you're not trying to move too quickly. You were at a certain level when you broke up, but it takes a while to build back up to wanting to be with that person again.