3 Reasons Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex Won't Chase You


So you were in a relationship with someone who you identified as an avoidant and you got a little upset. You may have protested a bit, and you broke up with them. What happens now? 

In today's blog we're going to talk about why a dismissive avoidant ex won't chase you after you've broken up with them or they've broken up with you. I have three reasons for you. 

Before I get into that I have a quote that I wrote on Instagram that I want you to reflect on. 

“Trauma is more than just a hashtag, or trending topic, it's an unfavorable life experience.” 

So when you're dealing with someone who has an insecure attachment, you have to be mindful about their life experience. You have to be mindful of where they're at and where you're at because anyone that has an insecure attachment most likely has some type of trauma. A little kid comes out, so it's really important for you to be mindful about how you're showing up and how the other person has been affected by what has happened to them in the past.

The first reason why they won't chase you after you break up, whether they broke up with you or you broke up with them, is they avoid all conflict. They are conflict avoidants. This is why they're called dismissive avoidants because they usually just dismiss your concerns. What I've learned from them, and what I’ve learned from the community, is that they don't like the feeling of bringing up uncomfortable topics. Whenever I think about that I think of the little kid coming out. If you were to come to them with some type of concern, that little boy or little girl comes out and takes the driver's seat in that person's mind. This is part of the reason why people feel dismissive avoidants are emotionally immature. They can be a 35 year old man, but when you have some type of concern, they regress back to a 15 year old boy.

I really try to have empathy for them. This is where I feel my work with at-risk youth really plays into the way that I can coach because I understand that a person has a story. It could be something like their mom or dad used to yell at them a lot, or their mom or dad were never home, and the only way that they were able to soothe themselves was to play video games or to get caught up in a book. When it comes to those discussions that need to be had to build a stronger bond, they just don't have that ability. They don't have the skill set to make that happen. On the other end, the anxious attachers, all they want to do is talk. All they want to do is build a stronger bonded connection.

The second reason why they will not chase you after a breakup is because they may have felt ashamed or they may feel guilty. Once again, when you're dealing with someone who has an attachment wound, or attachment injury, you have to be mindful about their triggers. Whenever I’m thinking about how I can better coach my clients to be able to interact with them better, I think about the little boy or the little girl that feels so ashamed and so guilty that they just don't know how to proceed. It's like a fight or flight response. They're just better off freezing and just letting the storm pass by. They don't know how to get themselves out of trouble or how to get themselves out of hot water, if that’s what you want to call it. In our opinion it's not hot water, it's just having healthy communication skills and solving issues, but for them they see it as hot water. They see it as being a bad spouse, or a bad girlfriend or boyfriend. They feel so much shame and guilt that they shell up and let the storm pass. That usually just ends up making it worse.

It's like the quote by Jordan Peterson, “conflict avoided is conflict magnified.” If you don't deal with it, it's just going to grow. They're so used to sweeping things under the rug that they don't need to deal with things because things usually just resolve on their own. It doesn't happen that way when it comes to relationships.

The last reason that an avoidant will not chase you after a breakup is because it's too vulnerable for them. They believe that it makes them look weak and it makes them look vulnerable. It makes them look like they're dependent on you and that's one of the things that they never want to do. They don't want to look like they need you and like you're someone that was special in their life. I have learned the reason for this is that it comes from just how much they had to do for themselves when they were younger and how much they had to work. They may have had to help mom and dad pay the bills, and now they take pride and great pleasure in knowing that they don't need anyone.

Those are my three things that I have for why they won't chase you after a breakup. I know you may have a scenario that you're making up in your head that maybe they're seeing someone else or some other scenario. Well, they might be, but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do about it. You can show up the best way that you can, you can try to be as secure as you can, you can try to help coach them to become the person that you would like them to be in the future, but most of the time people don't want to be changed. They don't want to be told how to live and what to do, so all that you can do is show up, be your best self, and hope that they will follow suit.