3 Reasons Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex Won't Chase You

 So you were in a relationship with someone who you identified to be an avoidant, you got a little upset, you may have protested a little bit, and you broke up with them. What happens now? 

Hey what's going on my beautiful people? This is certified life and relationship Coach, Coach Court. In today's video we're going to talk about 3 reasons why an avoidant ex won't chase. 

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In today's video we're going to talk about why a dismissive avoidant ex won't chase you after you've broken up with them, or they've broken up with you. I have 3 reasons why, but before I get into that, I have a quote that I wrote on Instagram I want you guys to kind of reflect on. I think it's a really good quote , but I might be biased about it. If you guys aren't following me the handle is @iamcoachcourt and the quote goes “trauma is more than just a hashtag or trending topic it's an unfavorable life experience”. 

So when you're dealing with someone who has an insecure attachment you have to be mindful about their life experience, where they're at and where you're at, because anyone that has an insecure attachment, most likely, you have some type of trauma, a little kid comes out. So, it's really important for you guys to be mindful about how you're showing up and how the other person has been affected by what has happened to them in the past.  

The very first reason why they won't chase you after you break up, whether they broke up with you or you broke up with them, is they avoid all conflict, right, they are conflict avoidant. This is why they're called dismissive avoidants because they usually just dismiss your concerns. What I’ve learned from them and what I learned from the community is they don't like the feeling of bringing up uncomfortable topics, uncomfortable subjects. So, whenever I think about that, I think of the little kid coming out. If you were to come to them with some type of concern, that little boy or little girl comes out and takes the driver's seat in that person's mind. Which is part of the reason why people complain a lot about how they feel dismissive avoidant people are emotionally immature. Where they can be a 35-year-old man, but when you have some type of concern, they regress back to a 15-year-old boy, with learning how to deal with topics. 

That's the first reason, they are conflict avoidant. You know I really try to have empathy for them. This is where I feel my work, working with at-risk youth, really plays into the way that I can coach these days, because I understand that a person has a story. It could be something like, let's say that their mom used to yell at them a lot or their dad used to yell at them a lot, or their mom or dad was never home. The only way that they were able to soothe themselves was to play video games or to get caught up in a book, but when it comes to those discussions that need to be had with someone in order to make a relationship stronger, in order to build a stronger bond, they just don't have that ability, they don't have the skillset to make that happen. On the other end, the anxious attachers, all they want to do is talk, all they want to do is build a stronger bonded connection. So it's really that Ying and that Yang.

The second reason why they will not chase you after a breakup is because they may have felt ashamed, or they may feel guilty. Once again, when you're dealing with someone who has an attachment wound or attachment injury you have to be mindful about their triggers. So whenever I’m thinking about them and about how I can better coach my clients to be able to interact with them better, I think about the little boy or the little girl that feels so ashamed and so guilty that they just don't know how to proceed. They're better off just freezing, it's like a fight or flight response. They're just better off freezing and just letting the storm pass by. They don't know how to get themselves out of trouble or how to get themselves out of hot water if you want to call it. In our opinion, it's not hot water, it's just having healthy communication skills and solving issues, but for them, they see it as hot water. They see it as being a bad spouse or a bad girlfriend or boyfriend, they see it as someone as being inadequate in relationships. So, they feel so much shame and guilt about that, that they say, well in order for things not to get worse, I’m just going to shell up and let the storm pass me by, and that usually just ends up making it worse. It's like the quote by Jordan Peterson he said, “conflict avoided, is conflict magnified”. So, if you don't deal with it, it's just going to grow. They're so used to sweeping things under the rug, they don't need to deal with things because usually things just resolve on their own. It doesn't happen that way when it comes to relationships. 

So, when you break up with someone that's an avoidant, and you're wondering, what happened, we had a really strong connection, we had a really strong bond, so I have no clue why this person isn't even trying to pursue me. I was talking to a client one time. She said that she was dealing with a guy, and after she broke up with them, actually she went out to lunch with them. He knew it was about to be the breakup talk. He knew that he wasn't showing up the way that he should. She was talking about how he was an avoidant and he was very well aware of him being an avoidant and when they got there, they picked their normal spot, and she started talking, “I’m glad you could meet me today” and he was like, “yep, go ahead, I know you're going to say it” and she's like “what” and he says, “so you're going to break up with me, people always do, like this is so normal” and she's like “no” (she had been seeing him for about eight months) she said “no, that's not the case I just wanted to talk to you about some things that were on my mind, some concerns, and I wanted to see how we could correct these problems.” 

That's just another example where sometimes they're aware, but other times, they're doing these things subconsciously, it's a way to protect themselves from danger. I talk about it in my old videos, back from 2020, it's the turtle going back into the shell because it doesn't feel safe. When it feels safe, that's when you'll see the turtle just pop his head out a little bit more, they’re able to connect with you again and able to talk to you about whatever issues you guys may have. 

The last reason that an avoidant will not chase you after a breakup is because it's too vulnerable for them. They believe that it makes them look weak, it makes them look vulnerable, it makes them look like they're dependent on you, and that's one of the things that they never want to do. They don't want to look like they need you and like you're someone that was special in their life. I know that's all you're asking for most of the time, when you're breaking up with them, and you're feeling like you're inadequate, like you're not adequate enough and like you're not the person that they want to be with. Plug whatever scenario you want to plug in there, but they usually don't want to give you that satisfaction because it makes them look like, I need someone in my life. 

What I learned is that usually when that happens, it comes back from just how much they had to do for themselves when they were younger. How much they had to work, they may have had to help mom and dad pay the bills, and they they always took pride and great pleasure in knowing that they don't need anyone, like it's just me and that's all I need. If anyone else comes into my life as an accessory, I actually had avoidants tell me, like maybe I'm meant to be alone, avoidants that were 50 years old, maybe I'm meant to be alone, why do I need anyone, because it doesn't always seem to work out and I realized the problem is me. I'm not showing up and people have said this an abundance of times.

So those are my three things that I have for you, why they won't chase you after a breakup. I know you may have this scenario that you're making up in your head, like oh, maybe they're seeing someone else and maybe they're doing this, and maybe they're doing that. Well, they may be, but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do about it. You can show up the best way that you can. You can try to be as secure as you can. You can try to help coach them to become the person that you would like for them to be in the future or help them become the best versions of themselves, but most of the time, people don't want to be changed. They don't want to be told how to live and what to do. So all that you can do is to just show up and be your best self and hope that they will follow suit. 

So if you found this video of any value please click the link right here where I talk about whether or not you should even try to re-attract an avoidant. If you want to follow me, my other social media accounts, twitter, instagram, facebook it's iamcoachcourt, and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it, namaste.