In today's blog I want to give you five things you'll see when you're in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant.
The first thing that you will see when you're in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is they will withdraw when they start to feel really emotional. If you have any issues that require deep emotional connection, or deep conversation, they'll get very irritated. To them it feels horrible to feel those feelings.
I was talking to somebody about the movie “Frozen.” That movie was huge as far as helping people understand their attachment style. Elsa is considered the dismissive avoidant, or maybe even a fearful avoidant. In that movie she was always very cold and distant. She was doing it out of protection for not only her feelings but for other people. So when it comes to talking about touchy, feely topics they tend to withdraw. Later on down the line, maybe within the same day, they'll be able to come to you about it or talk about whatever issue you guys were having.
If you're in a relationship with a dismissive, the second thing you'll see is they'll be very reluctant to try new things. What they do and what they have works for them. They're not really concerned about trying new things because what they know, and what they do, and how they live their day-to-day lives works for them. It's functional and it's kind of like a black and white type of way of thinking. Some people take that personally. They think the dismissive doesn't trust them.
Honestly, it does have a lot to do with trust issues because as their attachment style was being formed they learned to be self-sufficient and independent. What works for them works for them and they don't want to try anything different because uncertainty is very scary for them. It’s scary for them to rely on somebody else to provide them with some type of fulfillment and comfort.
The third thing is that they will not take criticism very well. It could be something as small as the way that they fold the laundry. They have a lot of emotional wounds tied to criticism. The way that their style was formed was through unhealthy communications, maybe even toxic environments. So even if you were to give them constructive criticism, it'll feel like something that's tearing them down and degrading the way that they do things.
The next one is they will hoard their resources. If a dismissive was to give you gifts, or give you time, or even start to speak your love language, they will hoard their resources. That's what makes them feel secure. Their style was formed through insecurity so the best way that they were able to sustain and keep themselves safe was to hoard their resources and come off as selfish or stingy.
Many people look to them to be very selfish and stingy, but that's not the case. That's just the way that they are. They've learned to cope with having to do everything for themselves and they don't want anybody's opinion on how they should do things. Especially when it comes to speaking other peoples’ love languages. They won't speak love languages because they feel like they don’t have to give you anything and they don't want you to give them anything. That's just another thing to look out for.
The last one is you will see them withhold affection from you when they get upset. It's very black and white for them. When they're upset with you, or disappointed, or you guys are having some kind of some kind of issue they will turn on you. They can talk to other people and be fine with them. They'll be talking to their friends and maybe laugh hysterically, but when you try to come to them, and you're having some kind of issue, they will act completely different towards you. If you are one of those people I suggest that you learn to have more of an empathetic feeling for that person that you're in a disagreement with.
Clearly there's many more factors, but I thought these five were kind of important. So you'll see the dismissive start to really go cold on you if they're upset with you. That's when you see them being passive aggressive. They don't do it on purpose. This is just something that they've learned to cope with their own emotions. They have to cut you off in order to understand what's going on inside of them internally and get the relationship back in better standings.