In today’s blog I want to discuss the dismissive avoidant and whether or not they miss you. This will be short and to the point. Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on.
In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
I see too often people bash dismissive avoidants and make them feel as if they're evil villains, but they're not. They feel the same way that we feel. They have emotions the same way that we do, they just feel them differently and they don’t feel them as intensely as a person that is anxious preoccupied.
What they miss about the relationship is the togetherness and the closeness. They may not miss the relationship in itself because relationships take a lot of work. They don't like that. They don't like to have to deal with all the negative feelings and emotions that come along with having these really deep conversations all the time. They are people who do feel and this is coming from lots of dismissive avoidants that I've worked with; and a lot of anxious preoccupied people who have also been able to re-attract their dismissive avoidant ex.
They do feel, they just don't like the feeling of vulnerability. Part of the reason because they had to be so strong for so long, so having to show all of their wounds and all of their insecurities to somebody is a very vulnerable and unsafe space for them.I know many people are reluctant to believe that the dismissive avoidant ever cared about them, but I can assure you that they did care for you. Those moments where you were together and they were really there and present with you, they did care for you. Just at some point something happened that made them deactivate from you.
Throughout the first 90 days (honeymoon phase) you fall in love with the “trial version” of that person. The one that gave you all the benefits and all of the love. You see lots of potential in them and we get hooked on the potential of what that person could be.
You have to understand this has nothing to do with you. They have been scarred. Even if it wasn't abandonment, it could have been something that was formed as a child. I would say for a high percentage of those people it was something that happened to them as a child, so this is just their way of functioning.
If you're the dismissive avoidant reading this blog, listen, I want you to understand this. We do love you and we do care for you. It's really hard for us to come closer towards you if you shut us out. Not everybody's going to hurt you. Not everybody's going to try to take advantage of you. I know that when people are showing you genuine love, you feel like you're being manipulated, but that's not the case.
I'm sorry if something happened to you in the past that actually proved that to be false. When you're feeling like you're detaching and you're deactivating from somebody, we really want you to communicate with us. State specifically what it is you want for us to do instead of running away. The more that you run away from that person that's coming towards you, the more they're going to want to chase. If you're able to, just pause, let them know how you're feeling, let them know you need some time, and ask for some space.
Then, I want you to take it a step further. Don't just say time and space, give them some type of time frame. For example, ask them to give you a couple days or weeks in order to sort your thoughts out and understand how you’re really feeling about this situation. Let them know you’re getting overwhelmed.
That will help you out in two ways. One, it’s going to help you out by allowing the other person to have a little bit of clarity on where their future is going because anxious people are anxious about the future. That will give them a little bit of clarity and something substantial to grasp onto when they're feeling like things are spiraling out of control.
And two, it's also going to give you the freedom from your anxiety too. You don't have to feel a certain way when you back away because you have stated clearly what you needed and what you wanted in order to feel safe and feel comfortable. Just that communication alone is going to go a long way as far as helping you heal your style as well as helping that person become more relieved from their anxiety.