Dismissive Avoidant: The 90 day Rule with a Dismissive Avoidant


In today's blog I want to talk to you about the first 90 days with a dismissive avoidant. Some of the things that you should be looking out for, that are usually red flags, get hidden behind that honeymoon phase in the first 90 days.

The dismissive avoidant can start off looking like somebody that is secure, or maybe even anxious. They'll be giving you promises about the future, maybe talking about marriage, and saying statements like, “this is something I've never experienced before, you may be the one for me.” Talking about kids and moving in together, the whole nine yards.

I have coached a couple clients that have said their dismissive avoidant seemed really secure at first and they were actually pursuing them. So this is what made them get upset and leave scratching their head.

This is something that you usually see. The intimacy will be there and the romance will be in full swing at the beginning. They really give you the trial version of the relationship. During the trial membership you get all the perks of the relationship. You get all the intimacy, you get all the love bombing, you get all of the perks of being in a really healthy and happy relationship, but when you subscribe to that person, aka when you decide to become exclusive or give them a relationship, that's when they start to pull away. That's when the closeness starts to fade. The good morning texts and the initiating contact all start to fade. 

All of these things can be hidden behind the honeymoon phase. You're just having a rush of those feel good hormones at the beginning of a relationship. When a trial version ends, though, and you decide to commit to that person, that's when they'll start to pull away. Everything that they once were giving you they take away. That’s when you feel duped. You feel like everything was a complete sham and false. You wonder if this thing was even real. 

I can tell you that it really was real. It's just that when you got too close for comfort they decided to put their walls up and protect themselves. The first 90 days is when relationships usually fall apart. That’s when the mask comes off. 

I'm going to help you out and give you a few things that you really should be looking out for throughout the first six months of the relationship. The first thing is do they make a lot of excuses for why they can't hang out? If you're planning on having some type of meetup or hangout session are they canceling dates because they had work that came up or they had a previous engagement with a friend or a family member? And these were things that didn't matter when you guys first started talking? Then that's something that you really should take into consideration. 

Really think about that because if someone is really in love with you, and they really want to make this relationship work, they will put a lot of the things that were priorities first on the back burner. 

Another thing is if they struggle to upload pictures of you on their social media, or struggle to post some of the things that you do on dates. That could be a red flag. Now, it may not be, because some people are very private. There's still a lot of people out there that don't want to post any personal things on their social media accounts. When it comes to women, though, they like to show off their men. They tend to operate from their emotions, and if they're feeling emotionally high and elated, they'll post you on their social media.

Another thing to be mindful about is dismissives fear being vulnerable, as far as talking about their exes or some of the things that they've experienced throughout childhood. They really keep that private. They don't like to share those types of things because it feels uncomfortable and it gives you a little glimpse into how their mind works. They won't even bother to go into those conversations because some of it was really dramatic and some of it is making them feel and forcing them to bring those feelings to the forefront.

They don't want to do that and they would much rather have this fun, light, superficial experience instead of going really deep into some of the things that kind of formed them and made them who they are. It just feels a little bit too painful and it makes them look weak and they don't like showing their weaknesses. They're kind of black and white in some of the ways that they think and I think this has a lot to do with the way that they had to fend for themselves early on.