STOP Obsessing Over The Rebound

[Live session recording - starts with music playing and chatting with guests joining]

We're going to get into it tonight. I've got a session planned for you guys. First things first, I'm always paying attention to the comment section, and I'm going to continue to give back to the community with free coaching here on these live sessions. Hopefully you can take away something from these that was beneficial for you. If it's going to help you heal, I'm here for it, because I'm here to serve you guys.

[Asks guests if he’s audible]

I did a video last year called, “Thank You Rebound”. I talked about all the reasons why the rebound has actually helped you as a person, even to move on. Essentially, what they did for you, was they revealed the character of the person that you were with. I know it may be tough for you guys to hear this if you guys are coming out of long marriages. I've coached so many different people that are coming out of marriages where the husband has left for the secretary or the wife has left for the best friend. So I understand that it's really hard to thank that other person for taking someone that you were with and someone that you were committed to. The purpose of that video was to get you to see things from a different lens. If you think about a lot of these celebrities that are getting up there in age and they've been married. All of a sudden that person leaves them for someone younger, someone more attractive, never took time alone, it just completely broke the thing off with them, and devastated them. So that's essentially the people I'm talking to. I understand why that's a really hard thing to do, to thank the person that took someone that you essentially felt like were your best friend.

[Asks guests if he’s audible and welcomes more guests into the live session]

Participant 1: “Do most rebounds last if they have too much going on”? 

Response to Participant 1: Define too much going on? 

Participant 1 responds: “Monkey Branch wasn't even mad when I found out just glad it all finally made sense.”

Response to Participant 1: That's another thing too where you may be with someone and all of a sudden they start distancing themselves. Then you're looking up stuff like ‘oh man’ they must be an avoidant. Then you come to find out they actually weren't an avoidant. When people come to my videos or when they book a session, they're dead set that this person was an avoidant. I have to be the person that's like, I really appreciate you supporting the avoidant attachment style content, but in this case, it seemed like they may be looking more avoidant because they were actually checking out. They actually had more time that they were spending with someone else and they were emotionally invested in another person. So they may look avoidant because they were hiding things. They didn't want to share things with you because they probably couldn't keep their story straight.

So I've got a couple comments here that I thought were great and I just wanted to share that with you guys. If you guys are watching the replay [Thank You Round] and you guys are just coming in. This session is going to be talking about how to stop yourself from obsessing over the rebound partner. That's really difficult to do especially when you have social media you have Instagram, you have Facebook, you have Snapchat. Even if you know your person's in a relationship with someone else and they just left you, it's hard for you not to check that snap score and feel some type of way about it. You just see their snap score rising and you're like ‘I know they're talking to that other person’. Remember the old Snapchat when Snapchat used to actually show you who that other person was, who people were talking to? It used to kind of snitch on you back in the day, but it doesn't do that anymore. I think there were a lot of complaints about maybe being a violation of privacy. Facebook used to do that too, if you guys remember. You used to have a little thing, I might be dating myself because I used Facebook when you actually needed an email from actual College to use it, but on Facebook they had this little feed that showed you who people in your friends list were adding and what they were liking. That was definitely causing some issues in relationships, but I digress on that one. So yeah you feel some type of way about them adding someone on Instagram or them posting those people on their stories. It's hard to just be able to accept that, especially when you thought you had a future with someone. Then it finally made sense. You're thinking, wait a minute, is it me? Are they just losing attraction for me or what's going on? Then you figure out or you find out that there's someone else in the picture, and there's been someone else in the picture for a while. So you're confused.

[Reads a comment] Relationship rebounds fail 99 percent of the time. 

[Responds to the comment] Well, 99, I don't know. All right I'm gonna be honest because that's my job, I have to be honest with you guys. It doesn't fail that much, not anymore. No I think it might be a little bit less of a failure from now. It also depends on the stage of life you. If someone is in a relationship in their early 20s, and they end up getting into another rebound, the odds of that failing is probably high. When there's a situation where a person is in a different stage of their life, they've had kids, they've had this going on, they just weren't really happy in their marriage. That relationship might work out, It just might. That relationship might go the distance, but I don't have a crystal ball, I can't tell you whether they are or not. It's very optimistic to think that it's going to fail 99 percent of the time. Also the question here is, why would you want it to fail? I'm going to get down to that. If anything, you want to let Karma do its work. You want to let Karma step into the picture and you don't have anything to do with it. You want to just step back, remove yourself, and say: ‘hey look, I wish you the best. I'm trying to sow some good seeds for myself. I want my karma to come back and be fruitful and not negative.’ 

Participant 2: “My ex got right into a rebound relationship and we had only been broken up for two months.”

Response to Participant 2: That is the hardest. How long were you guys together? Okay, so I got some tips here. First, let Karma do its work. Like I just talked about before. Second, stop checking their social medias, [accounts) and I get it, one day at a time. Whenever I'm coaching someone and they're just really triggered, and they're checking their social media pretty much every time they pick up their cell phone. I worked in the recovery Community for a long time. [continues below]

Participant 2 responds: “Two years, she was my fiancé.”

Response to Participant 2: I'm gonna get to that.

[response cont’d] I worked in a recovery center for a while, a few years actually. If you guys are familiar with the recovery community, you know that their slogan is pretty much “one day at a time”. So when someone is trying to break that love addiction, because essentially that’s what it is, if it's not a codependency or a trauma Bond, it's essentially a love addiction. So I tell them look, if you check their social media 80 times a day, scale it back to 40. Maybe one week you do check five times a day, then scale it back to two times a day. If you just go cold turkey, honestly I think it's going to do more harm than good. Dosing yourself is important because it's really hard. Here's what I see happen. Someone will say ‘all right, I'm going cold turkey’. Next thing you know, they have too many to drink, they're calling the person they're talking about, “I miss you, I love you”. I'm like, well it's because you went extreme with it. You weren't really ready for that level of radio silence. So, when it is that rebound relationship, it's important that you do not interfere with what the other person has going on. Most of the time, you're just going to push them right into that other person's arms. You're going to be the topic of their conversations. It depends on how disrespectful the person is or how annoyed they are with you.

[Referring to a new question/comment in the chat] All right, I'm gonna get to that one right now. So this is actually interesting. This lady (one of my subscribers) wrote on my channel.

Participant 3: “Nine years married, 19 years together, I left him September 2019, filed for divorce. We reconciled January 2020. I found out all kinds of things about his character and the things he did during our separation. Covid [Covid19] hit. I felt stuck and it seemed the world was going crazy. Nothing seemed normal. I stayed for two years after reconciliation, worst mistake ever. I had zero trust after finding out about the rebound. He rebounded after I left with two women. I didn't believe anything he said and began to really despise him. I had zero respect for him. Fast forward to 2022, I left for the final time and will never reunite. He rebounded again right before I left. I think the worst part is he doesn't realize the emotional damage he's caused. He can't see beyond his own needs. I feel bad for him because he's exhibiting serious mental illness traits.”

[Speaking to all participants] Put in the comment section below, if you think this is an accurate analysis. 

Response to Participant 3: Obviously you've been with someone for 19 years, you would start to pick up on some type of mental health issues, right. 

[Referring to a new question/comment in the chat] This is actually leading to my second one.

Participant 4: “My ex started messing around with his co-worker, which monkey branched into a situationship with her. He's only known her for a few months. When I broke up with him, because of the cheating and him pushing me away from his attention and affection, he was ghosting me and was essentially treating me like I was annoying.”

[Speaking to all participants] How many times have you guys experienced this? So if you just got out of a relationship with someone or if it's been sometime in the past, and they started to really get annoyed by you, it's probably because they felt guilty. Unless you are ‘cluster B personality’ and you can't really feel that empathy for someone else, they probably felt guilty and they just wanted that person to go away. I think that is some sort of…eh, I'm not going to speak on that all right, I'm gonna hold my thoughts on that one, but it's definitely not a healthy thing to do. If someone was with someone for 19 years, I would be thinking a bunch of different things. I would be thinking, is there some type of crisis going on? How healthy was that relationship? Was there something that that person missed? Had the person been telling them up for a while now ‘hey I'm not happy, this isn't a dynamic I want to be in’? I've coached multiple people that were in this exact same situation. They felt like they just could not get over that person because of the way that that person left.

This is this is the other tip about how to stop obsessing over someone. Try not to ruminate on what they said at the end of the breakup. Only focus on the facts. Most of the time, they're just making up reasons as to why they don't want to be in a relationship anymore, so they can feel better about the decision that they just made. How many times have you gone through a breakup, and during the breakup, that person just came up with all these different reasons as to why they couldn't be in a relationship with you anymore, or why they had their doubts? Example, this one lady was with a guy for 10 years. When he decided to leave, he started to talk about all the things that happened year one of the relationship, and kind of used that as the reason why he didn't want to be with her anymore. Saying, ‘I told you I didn't really want anything serious. You kind of forced me into this. You changed over the years.’ That's the thing that people really ruminate about, in the end of the relationship. Quite frankly, that's a lot of the reasons why people reach out to me, just to get clarity if what the person was actually saying was accurate, or if they were just in their own head about it. So try not to ruminate on that, because for the most part, they feel bad about breaking your heart. Sometimes, let's be honest, I'm not gonna act like ‘cluster B personalities’ don't exist, they could be cluster B, but I don't diagnose.

Participant 5: “15 years she monkey branched to a co-worker while my mom was dying of cancer. After the funeral, she claimed to live with her parents, but she went living with him for months now, still keeping it a secret.

Response to Participant 5: So I guess my question for you is, how is this helping your mental health? One, how are you finding out about what she's still doing and two, how is this helping your mental health? 

Participant 5 responds: “People change, we anxious also trigger avoidants, making each other worse sometimes during stress. 

Response to Participant 5: That's the dance right? That's the push and the pull. I know people, I've coached people, who I kind of identified as being secure right out the gate, but they got into a relationship with someone that was more of an avoidant and it pulled out that anxiousness in them. You have two main attachments that are operating. Two that are in the driver's seat. Usually when conflict arises, that second one gets activated, the insecure one gets activated.

[Speaking to all participants] Any more questions? As always I'm keeping these short, keeping them live for you, and I appreciate you guys.

All right, that's it. You guys already know the deal, once you go be love, you’ll never have to find it. Namaste, peace.