In today's blog I am going to talk to you about how to respond to a dismissive avoidant when they start texting you again. I am going to be responding to a couple emails that I received on this topic.
The first email was from somebody that I coached one-on-one for a month. She was really struggling to get her dismissive avoidant back and she didn't know how to read the signs. She was really committed to this person because when she was with him she was able to see the real him. The person who can just let down the walls and put all of his fears and his anxieties about being close to people past him.
“Thanks so much coach. I thought that you would like to know that my dismissive avoidant ex-boyfriend came back after applying what we talked about on our calls.”
This is tough to do as an anxious preoccupied type. It is really hard to get a hold of that anxiety to control it and harness it and to put it towards something that's more useful. That's what I like to coach my people to do. To take that anxiety, that pain, and turn it towards a purpose. Whatever makes your heart beat, whatever makes you wake up in the morning. It's going to be tough when you go into a tough breakup, but if you're in no-contact and you're not talking to this person for about a couple months, you should already have mastered how to re-channel that energy that you were using towards trying to get them back.
“I asked him to get together and have a drink since lockdown has lifted in our area and he agreed. This was two weeks ago and I feel we have a stronger bond now than our previous two year relationship. Please share this with other anxious attachers and show them that there is light at the end of the tunnel.”
I love success stories. I love to see how things end and how you get to that result that you put a lot of time and energy in for.
The second person who emailed me was somebody I did email coaching with. They were trying to understand their dismissive avoidant ex-girlfriend and how to understand some of the things she was doing and saying.
“Hi coach. I would like some help with my current situation. I think I am anxious preoccupied and my ex of 1 year is dismissive. I've been in no contact with her for months and she randomly started texting me again.”
So to break down the beginning of his email, I think it's really important to know for sure what your spouse’s or ex-spouse’s attachment style is because we can't play a guessing game when it comes to attachment styles. Many of my clients find out they are a totally different attachment style when we're doing our discovery sessions. So it's important to actually know what their attachment style is and don't play a guessing game because then you'll be seeking out misinformation.
It's not a time to connect if you are the one reaching out to the dismissive avoidant. If you're the one breaking no-contact, don't try to get them to meet up with you because they may not be mentally ready for that. If you have conversations that have nothing substantial to them they're gonna feel like you don't want the relationship again because the avoidant style is very direct with the way that they communicate. They don't beat around the bush, they'll tell you straight forward how they feel. This is why sometimes they can come off as cold and unemotional, but that's just the way that their style is. For the dismissive, if they feel like they don't see a future with you and you were the one that broke it off, to them that just pretty much solidifies it for them. They're going to say things like, “we weren't meant to be, there's no point in us being friends after this, we'll go our separate ways.”
If they're reaching out to you as a dismissive avoidant, if you know this is their style, chances are they have processed those negative emotions about the relationship. I talk a lot about giving them the opportunity to reimagine their relationship and see things in a better light. If they're reaching out to you, then you need to set a date. Sure, do a little ice breaking, but make sure that you set some time to get together and give them time to respond. If you don't get the response you want right away, it's totally up to you, but if you continue to text them back and forth, likely, they're just gonna feel like you don't really want this thing again. They will feel that the breakup was something that needed to happen. If they want to be friends that's good too because they really don't like being friends afterwards.
I hope that helped. I would say go ahead the next time she reaches out and set a date. Don't talk about the previous relationship, don't try to force them into another commitment, and don't make them feel guilty for breaking up with you because that's the worst thing you can do. You're getting what you want, you want them to communicate with you. You want essentially your best friend back because that's what we are in these deep long term committed relationships. We're best friends so treat them like that. Don't make them feel bad for breaking up with you in the first place.