By Coach Court – Certified Life & Relationship Coach

When you love a fearful avoidant, there comes a moment you can’t avoid. You realize that keeping the relationship healthy means you must be willing to walk away when needed. Not to punish them. Not to scare them. But to stay grounded in your own value.

I’m not telling you this from theory. I’m a healed fearful avoidant myself. Those tendencies still show up here and there. So I understand the patterns from the inside.

There’s a saying that goes, “When you roll around in the mud with a pig, you’ll both get dirty. The only problem is the pig likes it.” That’s what it feels like when you get pulled into the emotional chaos of a fearful avoidant. You lose your center. You lose your clarity. This is how you get it back.

1. Fearful Avoidants Respect You When You Call Them Out (Calmly)

A client once told me he heard that you have to call a fearful avoidant out if you want the relationship to work. And I agree, but only when you do it with emotional self-control.

A fearful avoidant cannot receive accountability when it’s wrapped in yelling, threats, or emotional dumping. That hits their shame triggers and pushes them deeper into shutdown.

But boundaries expressed calmly?
That shifts everything.

Boundaries communicate self-respect. Self-respect is attractive. Emotional steadiness is attractive.

When my wife says, “You’re doing that thing again,” she isn’t rolling around in the mud with me. She’s grounding the moment, and that checks me instantly. It pulls me out of sabotage mode.

Fearful avoidants respond to accountability delivered with clarity, not chaos.

2. Timing Matters — Never Call Them Out During a Breakup or No Contact

Calling out a fearful avoidant only works in an active, emotionally regulated relationship.

It does not work when:

• they’ve already pulled away

• you’re in no contact

• they’re overwhelmed

• the breakup is fresh

• they’re in a shame spiral

When you call them out in that state, you only strengthen the story they already fear:
“I’m too much. I’m unlovable. I ruin everything.”

Before accountability can land, emotional safety must return.
If safety isn’t present, nothing you say will reach them.

3. Distance Helps You Both Regulate — But You Need a Repair Plan

Fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants sweep things under the rug to cope.
Anxious attachers want to fix things immediately. But distance actually helps both partners reset.

When you reconnect, pretending nothing happened guarantees the cycle repeats.

When communication restarts:

• Share what the separation felt like for you

• Name the pattern without attacking them

• Explain what you need moving forward

• Give them space to take accountability

• Stay grounded enough to walk away if they can’t meet you halfway

A fearful avoidant can only feel secure with someone who is strong enough to honor their own needs. That’s not an ultimatum. That’s self-respect. And self-respect is the doorway into a healthier dynamic.

Original Script (Full Video Text)

(Optional for readers who want the raw version)

You know, we all go through our different attachments. How do I know this? Because I'm a fearful avoidant myself. I've healed my fearful avoidant attachment. It sometimes pop up ever so often. There's things that triggers me. But I'm I'm telling you this from experience. There's a saying that goes, when you roll around in the mud with a pig, you'll both get dirty. But the only problem is the pig likes it. Hey, what's going on my beautiful people? This is certified life and relationship coach, Coach Court. In today's video, we're going to talk about why you must be willing to walk away from a fearful avoidant to keep that relationship healthy. And there's three things I want to talk about. There's three points I want to make to really drive that home. I had a client reach out to me was doing we were doing some email coaching. He said he had heard recently that you must call out a fearful avoidant in order for you to actually keep that relationship. And I have to agree with that. And I'm going to tell you why I agree. fearful avoidance need you to call them out because it's attractive. And I'm going to get to that later. But when you do call them out, you have to do it in a self-aware way where you understanding that you're not being volatile while you're doing it. You have to do it in a respectful way because if you don't do it in a respectful way, you're probably going to step on some trauma triggers that's going to push them further away and bring them back to an unhealthy state. So when you do it, here's how you want to do it. You want to lay out boundaries with them because boundaries for you is going to help you in the long run. You want to lay out boundaries because boundaries is actually a way of showing that you're valuable to yourself. Because when you're able to do that, your self-respect actually resets their feelings for you. And I'm going to tell you why that what I mean by that. It goes without saying, right, that self-respect is attractive, right? No one wants to have someone that's anxious, that's clingy, that's insecure because it makes them look as if they're not a valuable person. And I'm not saying this to like disrespect anyone or to make you guys feel like you're flawed. Because, you know, we all go through our different attachments. How do I know this? Because I'm a fearful avoidant myself. I've healed my fearful avoidant attachment. It sometimes pop up ever so often. There's things that triggers me. But I'm I'm telling you this from experience. When someone doesn't allow for me to continue to push boundaries and for me not to um you know kind of have my way with them, it makes me regulate and check myself, it makes me feel like, okay, well, this person is actually someone who want the best for me. They want to see me heal. They want to see me uh heal in a way that, you know, I can't do by myself. I'm going be honest. You know, my wife sometimes calls me out and she says, you know, you're doing that thing again because I'll have times when I'm trying to sabotage and and I don't even realize it. Let's say we're having a good moment and then something just kind of pops in where I'm like, "Okay, I'm feeling really insecure about this, but I won't say it." I'll just do little manipulative things to try to see if I can get her to pull herself off her center. There's a saying that goes, "When you roll around in the mud with a pig, you'll both get dirty." But the only problem is the pig likes it. So, I don't know why I do it. I have these moments where I'm just feeling really insecure and like, "Okay, well, this person's going to eventually abandon me anyway." So instead of coming straight out and asking, "Hey, uh, is I'm feeling a certain way about this. Can you reassure me about this?" I do something where I kind of like sabotage a good interaction that we had. I'll maybe try to lead to an argument. But my wife just doesn't go for it. Like she's like, "No, I'm not I'm not I'm not meeting you there." So when this guy reached out to me and he asked this, you know, I I had to let him know that you want to call him out when you're on good terms, right? If if you guys are broken up, this isn't the time to try to assert your authority. This isn't the time to set a boundary and to call a person out. If she's already pushed you away, this isn't helping. This isn't going to help her rebuild that safety and that trust that needs to happen for her to come back to this relationship. So, yes, it works when you guys are actually in a full-blown relationship where you guys are talking every day, but if you're in no contact and you guys have already broken up, you don't want to be calling them out on something because it'll actually make things worse. And if anything, it'll drive home that toxic shame that they feel. And the third thing I want to talk about is that distance when you guys aren't in communication, that distance is actually what causes you both you guys to reenter yourself. You know, it brings yourself back to homeostasis. Unfortunately, you know, dismissive and fearful avoidants, they like to sweep things under a rug. This is difficult for an anxious attacher to do because anxious attachers have a hard time self soothing. But when you get to the point where you're able to do that, you'll notice that when you get into some type of disagreement or some type of, you know, argument with a fearful avoidant and you come back together, you'll see that you guys are more regulated. But that doesn't mean that you have to continue to like ignore the issues and the elephant in the room. When you do come back together, you want to make sure that you know you have some type of repair plan for when you come back. And what that repair plan should look like is you telling them what your experience was like when you were separated or when you weren't in contact. You know, kind of lay it out for them. Say, "Hey, I really value this connection, but when we were in when we were talking, you know, and when you were kind of triggered into your state, this is how I was feeling during that time. and moving forward. This is the type of dynamic that I'm going to need in order for me to continue to want to have this relationship. And that's the moment when you have to be totally okay with walking away from a fearful avoidant if they're not able to understand where you're coming from, meet you in the middle, or able to take accountability for the part that they played during that time apart. So, if you found this video of any value, you can reach out to me on my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com

Thank you guys and always remember when you go and be love, you’ll never have to find it.

Work With Coach Court

If you’re navigating a fearful avoidant partner or trying to heal your own attachment style, I can help you get clear, build emotional balance and move toward healthier connection.

Book a Clarity Session: fruitfulseedz.com/products/clarity-session
Attachment Style Guides: fruitfulseedz.com/collections/all
Attachment Style Quiz: fruitfulseedz.com/pages/attachment-quiz

Always remember, when you become the love you’re looking for, you stop settling for the places where it can’t grow.

Q & A: Fearful Avoidants and Walking Away

Q: Why do fearful avoidants pull away even when things are going well?

Fearful avoidants struggle with emotional safety. When things feel too good, their fear of losing the connection gets activated. Instead of saying, “I’m scared,” they self-protect by distancing. It’s not about you. It’s their nervous system trying to feel safe again.

Q: Does walking away really help with a fearful avoidant?

Yes — when done from self-respect, not punishment. Walking away resets the emotional balance. It signals that you value your peace, and that actually helps them feel safer with you. You can’t regulate their insecurity, but you can regulate yourself.

Q: Should I call out a fearful avoidant during a breakup or no contact?

No. That’s the worst time. They’re already overwhelmed and flooded with shame. Calling them out during no contact pushes them deeper into avoidance. Accountability only works when safety and communication have been re-established.

Q: What’s the right way to call out a fearful avoidant?

Stay calm, grounded, and factual. No accusations. No emotional attacking.
Use language like:
“When this happened, here’s how I felt. And here’s what I need going forward.”
Fearful avoidants respond to stability, not intensity.

Q: Why does self-respect matter so much with a fearful avoidant?

Because self-respect equals emotional safety.
When you hold your boundaries, you show them:
“I’m not here to fight you. I’m here to be healthy.”
That’s what helps them stay connected instead of running.