My Ex Says They Miss Me

I mean you have to ask yourself, what is it that you want out of a relationship? Do you want children? Do you want to be married? So really think about that. Do you want to have kids, because if that's the case then sticking in this type of dynamic is probably not something that's going to allow for that to happen.

Hey what's going on my beautiful people? This is certified life and relationship, and attachment style strategist, Coach Court. On this channel we talk about everything from attachment styles, to rebound relationships, and healing and moving on from breakups. If this is your first time viewing me, do me a favor and subscribe to the channel by clicking that subscribe button and ringing that bell so you're notified for all the newest content.

In today's video we're going to talk about an email I got from one of the people who have been watching me for over a year. In this email she talks a lot about the type of dynamics that I talk about here on the channel pretty often. In this scenario, the person actually came back, but there's a little bit of a caveat there because it's not what you guys think. 

Really quick though if you guys want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at or to directly book a call

Now I titled this video, “my ex has come back, now what?”. You guys are going to see why I titled it that way, because this person has come back into her orbit. She is starting to feel like she's growing a connection with this guy again, but she's not quite sure how to proceed because of how things have played out over the past 5 years. I’m going to read that email for you guys. 

[Reads email] It says, ‘Hi coach, I want to first thank you for all your content that you have put out. I had no clue about any of these attachment styles and I really am really grateful. I've been watching you for a little over a year and you have responded to me during your live sessions. Long story short, I am a 32 year old and my boyfriend is 37, if I can actually call him my boyfriend at this point. We have been dating off and on for 5 years and I am almost certain he is a disorganized attachment. Thanks to your videos I've learned that this chaotic childhood that he had which he claimed he has “survived” these things that happened in his childhood, but it has left a lot of emotional scars. I really love this man despite all of the times he has broken up with me, but I'm an anxious attacher, and I feel even with an attachment style, this is the final straw...’

It's really almost liberating when you finally start to see things clearly. You finally understand that a person's attachment style doesn't really hold any weight when it comes to feeling like you deserve to be treated better. 

I actually wrote a quote on Instagram. If you guys want to follow me on Instagram it's [iamcoachcourt]. 

That said, asking yourself ‘how does this person make me feel?’ is a good enough question to decide to end a relationship if you need to. Despite the attachment styles, despite everything that's happened with you guys in the past and with that other person. A lot of this has to do with you not being able to show up and advocate for yourself, because I see a lot of people getting upset with the dismissive avoidant, with the anxious person, with the fearful person. They fail to see that a lot of the ways that they are being treated, they are actually allowing themselves to be treated this way. So when you finally get to a secure place, you can really start advocating for yourself. Once you're learning how to be vulnerable in those relationships, advocating for yourself, setting healthy boundaries for yourself, this is a very empowering place to be and it seems like she's getting there. I don't know if she's actually becoming more secure or not, but if she's been watching me for over a year, she had to pick up something from my content. I really lay it all out there. How to heal to where you may not ever need to book a session with me. You have studied this, you understand a certain way that a secure person should be showing up. You guys need to realize that if a person is a fearful avoidant and they're not doing the work on themselves, they're not self-aware, they're not going to therapy, it's a very difficult time for them to just heal that attachment by themselves. I know you’ve given them this love and you're supporting them. You're willing to be there and not be someone to re-traumatize them, but I can tell you, if you stick around in that type of dynamic for too long you're going to need more than just one therapist. You'll need one for yourself too, not just them. 

[Continues reading email] ‘ I really love this man despite all of the times he has broken up with me, but I'm an anxious attacher, and I feel even with an attachment style, this is the final straw. I believe I'm there. The last breakup was 6 weeks ago and he has reached out apologizing for missing my birthday celebration in September. What I want to know is, if I should give up?’

The reason why I titled this video “my ex has come back, now what?” is because of this right here, ‘now what do I do?’. Well first, you need to learn to advocate for yourself or you need to hold yourself accountable. What this is essentially, it's a negotiation. Anytime we go into no contact, let's be honest, it's like any other negotiation. The person who reaches out first, usually is the one that loses. Unless you did something in the end of that relationship to break their trust or make it where they feel that they can't be vulnerable with you, then you probably shouldn't be reaching out in the first place, but what do you want out of this relationship? Here's a little bit of transparency time. I love fearful avoidant people. I think fearful avoidant people have the most interesting careers. They're very colorful, they can really show up as far as being the life of the party and being someone as a great ice-breaker. I'm telling you, there's a lot of strength that comes with fearful avoidant people and I understand why that type of dynamic is alluring to some people. On the other end, there's like a negative that comes along with that. This means impulsivity, lack of being able to trust people, not being able to show up for themselves, and not showing up for other people as well, but they're really fun people to be around. Since I started learning this attachment style information, I started to analyze people in my own life and understand why I was so enamored by certain types of people. Then I looked at their childhood, the way that their dynamic around the house was, and it really made sense to me. This person is usually cracking jokes all the time because they're really hurting on the inside, but they’re outwardly showing love and affection. I don't know, just sometimes explosiveness because of the pain that they're feeling inside from their childhood. Now this isn't some type of justification for you to stay in this dynamic because it should be about you. What is it that you want out of a relationship? Do you want children? Do you want to be married? So really think about that. Do you want to have kids, because if that's the case, then sticking in this type of dynamic is probably not something that's going to allow for that to happen if this person is not showing up for you, and they're not showing any signs that they're going to get there. It's really nice to have the release of oxytocin and dopamine when they come back and say ‘hey I miss you, I really want this relationship again,’ but you need to lay out your boundaries right then and there, if this is a dynamic you're going to do again. 5 years off and on is extremely unhealthy. What could you have accomplished over the last 5 years of your life? I mean essentially, you met this person at 27 years old. What could you have done? How many people could you have been with? Come across? How many other people could you have been at their Thanksgiving celebrations, their Christmas celebrations? The weddings that they would have been going to with their own friends? I'm not saying it's a waste of time, that you wasted your time. I'm sure you learned a lot about yourself, and how different attachment styles show up in relationships, but you're essentially signing up for five more years of this, if you continue with this. The conditions that I would have in place personally, would be we need to do something like: go to counseling together, we need to read a book together, we need to be able to talk about these things as they arise. Fearful avoidants, they hold things in, and they don't talk about it in the moment, they just kind of let it fester. It's kind of like the Bible. I don't know where the subscribers are coming from, but if you read the Bible, it says never let the sun set on your anger. Unfortunately because “FA”s (Fearful Avoidants) don't like talking about these things right away.  Actually it depends, if they're FA leaning anxious, they will be explosive and they will talk about things in a very unhealthy manner. However, if they're FA leaning dismissive, then you'll see more of that waiting, holding on, and then they may just eventually ghost you one day because they can't take it anymore, which is usually out of the blue for the person that they're seeing. 

So I hope that information helped. I hope you guys are enjoying this channel. I continue to try to bring you as quality and as accurate information as I can. Once again, if you want my help personally, you can reach out to me on my website at or you can reach out to me on my Instagram [iamcoachcourt] or my TikTok is [iamcoachcourt]. Always remember this, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.