As human beings we're all wired for connection. Believe it or not we're actually wired for love, but when you've been handicapped with some sort of insecure attachment it makes it really hard for you to live in that safe and connected space.
Well, in today's video I'm going to revisit a topic that I did 3 years ago, “How to re-attract a dismissive avoidant”. Before you guys start to jump in my comments section and you know, pretty much ‘go off’, here's who this video is for; this video is for people who feel like they can show up again. Someone who just learned about attachment style theory and feel that they didn't put their best foot forward in that relationship. I'm going to tell you, if you feel like this relationship dynamic is too damaging for you mentally, you feel like this relationship is causing you to lose your identity, your anxiety is going through the roof, then this isn't the advice for you, and this isn't the relationship dynamic that you should continue to pursue.
Before I get into that content, if you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com, thank you.
Now, the first question that a person may have for me is “why on earth would you want to re-attract an avoidant person?”. Like I said before, it’s for you if you feel like you're someone that didn't put their best foot forward or if you're just learning about attachment styles. A lot of people get to my channel a little bit too late. They've already made mistakes, they've already been broken up with or they've already protested and broken up with that avoidant. So they're getting here very frustrated very jaded, and you'll see that in the comment section. It's like I said before, we're all wired for love, we're wired for connection. No one wants to be alone. Despite what your parents did when you were a child or the relationship dynamics that you were in, in the past, are you supposed to completely just give up on wanting a relationship? Probably not.
Here's a comment from one of my subscribers:
“I'm a DA (dismissive avoidant) on my way to becoming more secure. I wasn't aware of what I was putting my ex-wife through. I knew something was missing but I couldn't figure it out. I was about to go to therapy when she decided to leave. I'm not a monster trying to destroy someone else and I wasn't doing things to hurt her on purpose. I would be distant and rude, but that's because I wasn't aware I couldn't put myself in her shoes. Now I can. I can regulate my emotions and block the intrusive thoughts that pushes you to overly criticize your significant other. But once you're aware, once you want to work on it and change yourself everything is possible. I won't spend the rest of my life alone, I'm working on myself and no one else will get close to me and suffer. I’ll be a blessing to my next partner because that's my choice.”
Another subscriber says:
“Hey coach, listening to this made sense, I seem to lean into both FA (fearful avoidant) and DA (dismissive avoidant)...continues below
Which is possible. You can go from FA to DA. A lot of times I've seen if a person is an anxious attacher and they get into a relationship with someone, let's say that's toxic or narcissist, then they'll skew more towards that FA after that relationship. Depends on if they stayed in that dynamic for too long, and it did some emotional damage.
...continues…”I had a childhood with a lot of conflict and violence between my caregivers. So I withdraw very easily and I shame very easily too. I'm back in therapy and I’ll do whatever I can to heal those old wounds. Great video.”
So let's get down to it. If you guys know much about the stages of the relationship, the first three stages being the ‘dating stage’ the ‘honeymoon stage’ and the ‘power struggle stage’, then you know that these are the stages that really determine if a relationship is going to go in the right direction. I'll tell you that this advice that I'm going to give you most likely won't apply to the dating and the honeymoon stages. If you break up during those stages, most likely you didn't know each other well enough and there's no way you can even tell if a person truly has an insecure attachment or if they felt that the intimacy and a relationship wasn't quite where they wanted it to be. So when I talk about the 90-day rule, and how most relationships end within that first 90 days, you're most likely in that dating and that honeymoon stage, or what should have been. When you get to the power struggle stage, when you get into the 6 months to the year, and further along, that is the stage where I feel like this advice that I'm going to give is going to work the best, if you're trying to re-attract an avoidant. Usually the relationships break up during the power struggle stage. It's just that much more difficult if a person has an insecure attachment. This is when the anxious person becomes a little bit too needy, too clingy and insecure about the status of the relationship. This is when the avoidant starts to pull away because they're feeling like they're losing their autonomy, they're feeling smothered and like the people that they're dating is moving a little too quickly for their liking.
So, here's what you need to do if you've broken up with that person because you protested or if that person broke up with you, or even pulled away. A lot of the time people don't even know if they've actually broken up with an avoidant because the avoidant just kind of goes ghost. Like the analogy I talked about before which is, the turtle goes back into a shell because it doesn't feel emotionally safe.
So, let's say you started dating around the 4th of July and you guys dated pretty consistently and then you got to Christmas. You start having conversations about if you're going to spend Christmas together, then that's when you see that avoidant start to pull more away because they may not be quite ready to do that yet. They may not be ready to do the gift exchanges or they may not even celebrate Christmas. So let's say that a breakup happens around that time. The first thing that you want to do is, you want to pull away and give them the time and the space. During that time, I'm not saying that you wait on the bench or you even go out and date other people. What secure people might do is start pouring more into the other areas of their life. Like their career, their friends and their family. Understanding that this person may just be too overwhelmed right now to want to pursue anything romantically. This is an issue that you wouldn't have later on in relationships. if you ever made it to the ‘bliss stage’ with an avoidant, then most likely that person doesn't have an avoidant attachment anymore. When you're living in bliss, that means that you guys understand each other, you know what makes each other tick. This is what Stan Tatkin talks about in his book “Wired For Love”. You experience that “couple bubble” with that person, you feel very safe within that “couple bubble”. Which means, you know exactly what to do in order to make this person feel safe and comfortable. If the avoidant has made it to this ‘bliss stage’ with you, then most likely they have made you feel that way, where you don't feel like you're going to be abandoned, or feel like this person isn't as invested in you as you are in them.
So the time frame on this ‘giving them time and space’, is different for every relationship. A lot of things play into account with this, which is time. If you've been with this person for over six months, then the time that it will take is probably five to six weeks before they decide to think about you differently, before they decide to feel like you're a safe space again. If they were to reach out to you before that time frame or within that time frame, then it probably wouldn't be anything vulnerable, I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. Most of the time they're, like I said, they're in that shell, they're not really trying to push anything as far as relationship wise, or they may feel bad that they've disappeared on you. This is what I've heard from many of the avoidants that I've coached before. So you'll be the one to have to break that no contact. I know it goes against all the advice people say “never break no contact”, but if you're with someone that's an avoidant and you know that this person has a good heart, and you know that this person is genuine and they just simply are in a fearful state where they can't push forward emotionally with you, then you’ll have to break it. When you do break it, please don't talk about the relationship ship. Don't talk about anything emotionally heavy. Now eventually you'll have to, but when you're just trying to re-establish a connection with them again, this isn't the first conversation that you want to have. What you will say when you break that no contact, I don't want to give any type of broad general blanket suggestion here, but do something like they would do. Maybe send them a meme, maybe send them something that's a gif. Something that's funny, something that's like an inside joke, just to test the water and see if they're out of that turtle state at the moment. Now remember though, you don't get any brownie points for the past relationship. You don't get any credits for the thing that you did for them back around 4th of July. This is a brand new relationship. This is a brand new courtship, and actually this is kind of what you want. You don't want to drag old stuff into this, especially when you're learning new things about yourself, you're learning new things about attachment styles and you're understanding from a deeper level just where they're coming from emotionally, mentally and more from an empathetic standpoint.
So if you found this video of any value please like, comment and share. I want you guys to always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it.